The Last Away Message

Act 1: The Lingering Smoke

sunny day, lively still
something odd
it seems like it will
deliver news of a fall

Oh Alex. There's not a thing I could say that someone else hasn't already said. I found out in the car, on my way to Pittsburgh. One of my best friends shakingly poured out the words through the phone and into my head "Something horrible has happened. It's Alex. Alex Shane." All the life drained from my body with her next few words and it took everything in me to stay in my lane.

i know my words don't mean much
to you, though i wish that
i could at least bring some peace to
what disturbance i have caused

i haven't talked to you in a long time, maybe i should have. someone could've helped, anyone. it doesn't matter who. anything is better than this. you could have fucking cancer or something, but at least you still would've been alive. at least i'd have gotten the chance to come see you. at least i'd have gotten to say something to you one last time. maybe we could've jammed together one last time, i don't know. why the fuck do people do this?

so when was it,
when did you
start to see
all the pieces
start to fall
apart just like the
time before, i know
i should have
known this would
happen, it always
does, when all
that’s left,
grey, black, and white
no brilliance, just
there is no sunset...

I never would have guessed this from you.. you seemed to have it all figured out. What the hell was going through your mind that night?? What seemed so damn unfixable??? God whatever it was, I hope you're happy now, 'cause no one else is.

how dependable
are second chances

i live 2 fucking seconds away. we hadn't talked in a while, but you know damn fucking well that i'd have done anything in my power to do anything to help you out, cos i know you'd have done the same for me. and now no one will ever get the chance to help you again. you really went and fucked it up this time. couldn't you at least have done it with something other than a gun? guns are so final...you could've taken pills or something. at least you might still be alive enough to have your stomach pumped, to have another chance. now that chance is gone, thrown out your fucking bedroom window.

it was too late
already much too late

light shining through
the open window
finds its way
through the lingering smoke
so, how much does this hurt?

I hope that what you've done has eased your troubled mind and has finally let you rest peacefully. So I guess we're not still on for next week are we?? We'll have to take a bit of a rain check, Alex.

...i am destructed.






Act 2: Ashes

from what the shanes tell me, alex's ashes are going to be put to rest on dec 3rd, which is a saturday, at 11am in washington pa. the shanes said it was an open invitation for all who want to come, so please spread the word to anyone the shanes don't know or don't have a phone # for. i don't have directions yet but i would assume i'll know in a week or 2, so let me know if ne one needs them or any questions or whatever. so please tell anyone that would like to come. ~kelly

~

I fucking hate that I'm never going to smell your laundry detergent in your clothes again or marvel at your long, bony fingers warped and molded from years of abuse and metal strings. I hope you know we can never talk about twelve different things at once again or have another "give and take" lesson. I have to believe you didn't realize that. Because if it were me, I'd have changed my mind for that alone.


~

alex i miss you so much. when i went to your house today i thought you were going to come walking out of your room and offer me food like you always did when i was there.

~

You used to steal my pencils in 8th grade history even when i only had one... and i couldn't get mad at you cuz you gave me that big goofy alex laugh, the one that lit up your whole face, and I just had to smile.

~

jesus christ. i fucking grew up with you. we taught each other to play guitar. if it wasn't for you, i wouldn't be able to play as well as i can today. and if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't have gotten your first guitar. i was the first person to introduce you to a lot of the bands you know today. i was your first friend when you moved from highlands. we rode the same bus, from 2nd grade until 10th grade. i used to make fun of you and tell you your sister was hot, and you used to get pissed off and we'd beat the hell out of each other, but 5 minutes later it'd be ok. i was in my first band with you and greg and ryan. shit, you were still making great music today. http://www.purevolume.com/adorepa go listen, that's the kid i grew up with. we were best friends all through elementary school...you, me, brett, jonny, and greg. fucking christ alex. why would you do this? you should've called me...


~

You were so god damned precious, everything about you, every last detail, I absolutely hate you. I am screaming these words in my head at you, and I hope to god you can hear them somehow. I hope to god that you can.

~

i'm not the same person as last summer. so much has changed and i can't believe tomorrow is the 5 month mark. instead of him visiting my room i have his pictures up everywhere. on my desk and by my bed so i can say goodnight.

~

alex shane, i am never going to stop. i am a freight train on fire. this is the worst kind of heartbreak. i hate you, i found an album that you would love.

and i can't even talk about it. i can't write about you anymore. i remember too much.

~

My body is rattled and when I least expect it I heave and sob and vomit.

All your stupid freckles.

Or moles whatever they are.

Were.


FUCK. I'D HAVE FUCKING BLED MYSELF DRY. I WOULD HAVE CRAWLED FOR YOU. I WOULD HAVE DONE WHATEVER IT TOOK. WHY DIDN'T YOU LET ME. WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME. WHY DIDN'T I CALL YOU.






Act 3: Sunset

i just hope you know that i was on my way to class when somebody called me, and that i cried the whole way there and the whole way home. and i bawled my fucking eyes out as soon as i got home. i hope you realize the effect you have. i just printed out your away message and your info, because you're still online. i just wanna keep it

tired eyes are losing hope
losing grip on what its worth


You signed offline at 7:31 that evening. About twelve hours after, so I'm told. I watched your name go faint on my buddy list. Someone must have shut off your computer, finally. I wanted to message you, tell you all of this right then, because some small part of me thought you might still get it.

there is no sunset...

Last week, I put an alert on his name on my buddy list. And even as I was doing it, I knew how sick it was.

if you remember when
we gave up completely
after what was said
these broken chords know

what was eventually shown
it was too late






Epilogue: The Final Away Message

the sky is grey, the sand is grey, and the ocean is grey. i feel right at home in this stunning monochrome, alone in my way. i smoke and i drink and every time i blink i have a tiny dream. but as bad as i am i'm proud of the fact that i'm worse than i seem. what kind of paradise am i looking for? i've got everything i want and still i want more. maybe some tiny shiny thing will wash up on the shore. you walk through my walls like a ghost on tv. you penetrate me and my little pink heart is on its little brown raft floating out to sea. and what can i say but i'm wired this way and you're wired to me, and what can i do but wallow in you unintentionally? what kind of paradise am i looking for? i've got everything i want and still i want more. maybe some tiny shiny key will wash up on the shore. regretfully, i guess i've got three simple things to say. why me? why this now? why this way? overtone's ringing, undertow's pulling away under a sky that is grey on sand that is grey by an ocean that's grey. what kind of paradise am i looking for? i've got everything i want and still i want more. maybe some tiny shiny key will wash up on the shore.
Ani Difranco

Notes

Assembled March 2008.

This is all real. Alex died around three years six months ago (as of 2009), August 23rd I think. I didn't know him. I came across his online journal a few months after the event, and helped to keep it from inactivity deletion for his friends on the site.

The text in italics is sections of his poetry from his journal. Everything else, except the epilogue (which was his last away message), is taken from various diary entries of various friends of his.